Kefka Lives: Told by Kefka himself
"Hi and crap like that...for those of you who
are dim bolts, I am the one and only Kefka. Now some of you wimps
out there might say something assiniying like, 'Duh, I thought
you were dead?'. Well allow me to explain... remember this ...er,
thing:
"I can't believe that you actually thought this
giant purple blob with wings was me! Ha! Your about as gullible
as those Returner scum-buckets! You see, this was all part of my
ingenious folly!
"Ahem- you see all villains can call the
'Monster Hot-Line'. You can quite conveniently get a monster,
that has nothing to do with the plot of the video game. Well, the
returners finally arrived to the top of my tower and began
lecturing to me about life, the universe, everything. It was
right about when everyone yelled 'It's over Kefka!' I realized
that I was in big trouble. So as the Returner-Dweebs were
rearranging themselves and preparing for battle, I got out my
brand new cellular phone. I called the 'Monster Hot-Line'. I said
I needed something really big and annoying to distract the so
called heros while I make a get away. The Monster Hot-Line said
they had a shortage of monsters. All they had left was: 'The
Extra-Large Magical Statue Look-a-Likes' and 'The Flying Purple
Gingerbread Doughboy'. So in an act of desperation took the offer
and had it send Super Express to my tower. About two seconds
later I got the packages. Luckily the good guys were still
fighting over who was going to get the Atma weapon. 'I get the
Atma weapon because I'm an esper!' 'Shut-up! I get it because I'm
the King of Figaro!' 'Ya right, I get it because I'm uh, er,
umm... a treasure hunter!' So this gave me and opportunity to
plug in 'The Magical Statue Look-a-Likes'. While that monstrosity
kept the idiots busy, I began to fill the 'Gingerbread Doughboy'
with air.
"Geesh, that thing almost made me
hyperventilate! I wondered if the Returner-guys would buy that
this purple balloon was supposed to be me? But I didn't have time
to think about that now! I then recorded my voice say stupid
corny stuff like: 'Life... Dreams... Hope... Where did they come
from? And where are they headed? These things... I am going to
destroy!' and 'The end comes... beyond chaos.' Then I added a few
'Mwa ha has' and programmed the balloon to do some pathetic
moves:
"Mwa ha! I then took a miniature space shuttle
to the moon. Some guy named Golbez said that the moon is a nice
place to hide out. Fortunately, the good-guys thought that the
balloon-thing was me transformed into the pinnacle of evil or
something like that. Ha! What a laugh! Now get out of here, your
annoying me!"